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Confidance vs Self Consciousness [Sep. 16th, 2007|11:33 am]
Thank you all for your comments on my last entry. Unfortunately I think my sleepy rambling didn't really get across my concern. While I do think it is odd that confident women are somehow scary to others this isn't something that I am willing to compromise on. My worry is the callousness that I can sometimes display simply out of lack of awareness. In the same way that shy people can be very self obsessed, thinking that everyone is looking at and judging them, I have the opposite where I tend to forget that what I do could mean anything to someone else, such as gestures or who I talk to, unless it is a direct action to them. While not being self conscious is probably a good thing it has its draw backs - at least it does if you still give a damn about other people in any way. I often lack awareness at all of how others might be viewing me which is what leads to misunderstandings.

Also the "fat day" thing which is the perfect example really. I do have days when I don't feel well/happy etc (I am after all lacking a regular level of happy hormone in my head so I probably have them much more often than most) but I just don't tend to project that on to my body. When I have a waah day, where nothing looks or feels right, I will generally try and blame it on outside things such as the heat or the cold or my diet. Also I do retain water on occasion, like any girl, so there are days when I am physically bigger than normal but if I even notice (I would probably have to put on tight gloves or something) I tend to shrug it off and warn my partner that I may have PMS in the next few days. So it isn't that I've not had a "fat day" just that I had never thought of it in that context until it was pointed out to me.

I just never learned to think of my body like that, which I think is good, but at the same time part of that is forgetting about how other people might see me. The body is important as is self presentation. Obviously I care a bit and care enough to have adopted a sub-cultural aesthetic (most of the time). Mannerisms and body language as well as self presentation all affect the way that others see us and communicate things to the world. I tend to forget this at times because I never learned that external awareness in the usual way. I also tend not to think of myself or others in physical terms. I have a few friends who find very fat people almost personally offensive which I simply can't comprehend but I think is probably kind of common. I also think that it is a hint at the way "most people" perceive others (through other bodies) in that our self presentation and display is a social communication. I read a very good article on fat actually and how that body was part of representing and supporting social values. So, anyway, by being fat, a socially unacceptable position, you are somehow rejecting social values and judging people who WORK to stay thin - I think that this is how my confidant attitude becomes perceived as offensive because I am somehow seen to be judging the less confident or putting myself above others. So it is just another way in which I am insensitive to how I'm being perceived and how my way of being or actions may upset others. It is an example, among many, of how I tend to forget that I have any affect or effect on others when I don't mean to - which is just as selfish as a shy person who thinks that everything they do matters to others it is just the other extreme.